Surviving College Life

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What NOT to Do About Roommate Problems

October 18th, 2007 Jamie

Dorm rooms (and even apartments) can be pretty close quarters, and even roommates who start off close can wear on each other’s nerves. Sooner or later, one of you is going to get grumpy, irritated, or downright angry—and how you handle that could make or break your friendship.

I lived with my roommate, Karly* (*I changed her name here, obviously), all the way through our junior year of college. We got along pretty well for the most part, but from time to time we bugged each other. I wish I could say that everything worked out perfectly, but I didn’t exactly have the perfect roommate problem experience. Hopefully you can learn from what happened to me:

Don’t Trash Talk Your Roommate
Karly didn’t really know how to cope when she was annoyed with me. Sometimes she would leave away messages on AIM about how I was bugging her. Other times she would have a gripe-fest about me on her blog, (which she linked to from her instant messaging profile so all our mutual friends could read it!). That was both embarrassing and hurtful. While I did my best to be a good roommate, I was always worried that I would accidentally do something that would end up on Karly’s blog for everyone to read.
Don’t Avoid the Issue
Aside from telling other people how much I bugged her, Karly didn’t make much of an effort to fix the problem. Sometimes she sighed loudly or refused to talk to me. The one thing she never really did was mention any of this to me face to face. That made it really difficult for me to even approach the subject, because Karly was pretending there was no problem.
Don’t be Accusing
I made every effort to be a good roommate, because I knew I had to get through a year with whomever I ended up with. Mostly Karly and I got along well—as evidenced by the fact that we lived together for 3 years—but we came from different backgrounds. The point is, your roommate probably isn’t trying to bug you, and accusations are more likely to make people defensive than to fix a problem. So be careful how you word the “can we fix this” conversation, and offer to be part of the solution. Instead of saying, “It is so obnoxious how you always have your stupid music on so loud. Would you cut it out?” you could try, “I think we both have a hard time studying with each others’ music on. Is it okay if we agree to wear headphones?”

Do you have any awkward roommate stories or tips about how you get along with your roomie? I’d love to hear them!

Entry Filed under: roommates

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6 Comments Add your own

1. Surviving College Life &r&hellip | November 5th, 2007 at 9:54 am

[...] know what to do if your roommate is driving you up the wall? A couple of posts ago, I wrote about how NOT to handle roommate problems. So now that you know what not to do, here are a few steps you should [...]
2. Surviving College Life &r&hellip | February 7th, 2008 at 11:54 am

[...] puts a strain on your relationship with your roommate like a continuous hacking cough disrupting precious hours of sleep time. Here’s what you should [...]
3. Kayla | February 18th, 2008 at 10:03 am

I’m going to University for my first year in the fall and I’m terrified that I’m going to end up with a roomate that I absolutely hate or she hates me or something like that. I’m also terrified I’m going to be a horrible room mate.

Hopefully things will work out for the best!
4. Jamie | February 19th, 2008 at 5:11 pm

@ Kayla: There are some rare cases where you have a BAD situation, but for the most part roommates tend to get along–and you only have to live together for a few months. Remember, you can always switch if you have a bad roommate!

Good luck @ University!
5. Liz | July 30th, 2008 at 5:47 am

I haven’t met my roommate yet, but we’ve been emailing back and forth for several weeks now, and things were going great until this morning. She sent me this really cold and antagonistic email out of the blue, calling me stupid and uneducated for starters, and I really don’t know how to respond. I have no idea what I did or said to get this email in reponse. Any ideas? I’m really stuck.
6. Jamie | July 30th, 2008 at 8:35 am

@ Liz: That is a REALLY weird and uncomfortable situation, and I’m sorry you’re even having to deal with this! Unfortunately, since you can’t read your future roommate’s mind, it looks like you’re going to have to talk it out. I’d suggest an email—or even a phone call, since it might be easier to get this fixed if you can hear each other’s intonations—explaining to your roommate that you didn’t mean to offend her and asking what you did that upset her.

It’s not the most comfortable solution, but after some pretty rocky months with my roommate, I’m a big believer in discussing the situation head on—you don’t want to end up with this icy, grumpy roommate all year.

Also—and this might be even harder—try to be patient (not defensive) and really listen to her side, and address her concerns calmly. Again, tough to do when someone is telling you you’re stupid or whatever, but usually if one of you keeps cool it helps you actually resolve the issue.

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