Posts filed under 'dating'
Back in August reader Sangeeta suggested that I write an article about coping with a breakup in college. I thought it was a great idea, especially because I still remember how much my own first breakup hurt
This is my personal advice (basically, this is what I tell my closest friends) about what helped me get through, so take it with a grain of salt and feel free to add your own thoughts & ideas in the comments.
Take Some Time Off.
Making the “just friends” thing work without taking a break from each other in between can be painful-and it can really mess with your head. After my first boyfriend and I broke up, we kept in touch by email for quite a while-and both of us kept feeling like maybe we would get back together. We never did, and it really prolonged the pain of the breakup to keep talking and hoping. Also-take off your promise ring or whatever little memento you keep on you all the time, and give back the box of his or her stuff you’ve got scattered around your place.
My Tip: Even if you plan to be friends, let them know you’re going to take some time-a GOOD amount of time, not just a couple days-in which you don’t interact with each other. If you have to, ignore your ex’s calls, block him or her from your IM, and filter his or her emails to go to your spam inbox-and don’t feel guilty about it. You need this time to let yourself start healing. (P.S. The “just friends” thing is REALLY hard.)
Keep Your Brain Busy.
Why is it that just when you’re feeling okay the most random thing-a paperclip, the smell of a banana muffin, or commercial-suddenly reminds you of your ex? Well, if you were together (or on the phone/IMing/emailing with each other) day in, day out, for months or years, your brain has naturally formed a lot of ties with him or her. And every time you remember that you can’t share the best joke or a story about your mom with your ex, it feels like you got sucker punched.
My Tip: To keep your mind from wandering back to painful places, try to keep as busy as possible. Go out with friends, really dive in to your school work, and/or take on more hours at your job. Join a club. Meet new people. Explore your college town! There are still going to be things that trigger that memory switch, but the distraction will help you in the long run.
Vent, but Don’t Wallow.
The first few days are really hard. You probably want to just crawl under the covers and mope. Feeling like that is okay, but wallowing in that feeling-basically sitting around feeling sorry for yourself-isn’t going to help. Also, if all you talk to your friends (or dates) about is your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, you might notice that people don’t want to hang around you as much.
My Tip: Check in with friends about how you’re feeling-especially if you’re feeling particularly depressed-and let them help you out of it, but don’t let yourself go off on a rant or throw a pity party every time your BFF is around. If you’re having a lot of trouble coping, consider talking to a counselor about it. Most colleges offer free psychological services to their students, from a psychologist to support groups, and they can be really helpful (and more anonymous, which often makes things more comfortable).
Wait it Out (and Be Open-minded)
Breakups are hard-there’s just no way around that-and the hardest part is that it takes a while to feel better. Wait it out, and be open to new experiences. Go on dates, hang out with friends, and try new things (in a healthy way). Don’t sit around hoping you’ll get a phone call or an IM from your ex-after a while you really will start to feel better.
photo: Hole in the Heart by biewoef
September 25th, 2008
A lot of you have requested more social life/relationship posts, so here is the first of many to come…
The leap from high school to college is a big one. It’s your first time on your own, really making decisions for yourself, and that means you’re going to change a lot-and so is everyone else.
Relationships change between the end of high school and college graduation-but not all of them are bad. While it can be unsettling to see cracks form in what once was a rock-solid friendship, you are just as likely to find that you and your friends change for the better.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend
Some high school sweethearts do stay together through college, but they are the exception rather than the rule. It takes a lot of work to make the transition from high school relationship to a real adult relationship-especially if it’s a long-distance thing-and it also takes a lot of maturity (which not everyone has at the beginning of college).
The majority of high-school-to-college relationships come to an end before graduation, whether because of freedom issues, changing values, loss of interest, or pure geographical distance. That doesn’t mean you have to give up on high school romance altogether, just be aware that change is the central point of the college experience.
Best Friend
More than likely, your best friend will stick around. It’s probably safer if you don’t room together-girls especially seem to have a hard time transitioning from friends to roommates-so keep your friendship strong by living apart. Even if you go to separate schools, your best friend will, most likely, keep that title.
That said, you are both stepping into a huge new world of people, and broadening your friend circle can cause jealousy. It’s not bad to have new friends, or if your best friend grows attached to his/her roommate, just remember not to drop your friend just because you’re meeting new people.
High School Friends
If you have a close knit group of friends, chances are you’ll stay in touch. My high school friends started a group blog so we could all keep up with each other as we went off to different schools. Now, five years later, we mostly keep up via group emails, and often get together for dinner when a few of us are visiting parents.
Everyone Else from High School
Your acquaintances, one-class friends, and yes, even the people you didn’t like will probably fade out of your life now. Sure, you can keep tabs on each other via Facebook or MySpace, but you probably won’t talk or email much, and you’re unlikely to get together-or really even run into each other-on visits home.
There’s nothing wrong with that! You can always keep in touch with the people you want to stay friends with, but if you lose contact with someone, you can always catch up on Facebook or at your 10 year reunion!
photo: happy friends 2 by lusi
August 26th, 2008
Living on a shoe-string budget doesn’t mean you can’t go on awesome dates-it just means you have to be a little more creative. : ) Here are fifteen of my favorite ideas for great dates that won’t break the bank:
Foodie Dates
1. Cook together. Shop for favorite pizza toppings & whip one up together, or use a recipe from Copykat Recipes (http://www.copykat.com/) to recreate your favorite restaurant fare.
2. Progressive dinner. Plan a meal with a few other couples. Everyone meets up at one house, has a course, and moves on to the next-all the way from appetizers to desserts!
3. Pizza for Dessert. Try throwing together a dessert pizza with a cookie dough or brownie base. Gather your favorite candies, fruits, and syrups for toppings and wing it, or follow this recipe.
Nostalgia Dates
4. Relive your childhood. Head over to an elementary school or playground for some swinging & tetherball, make chalk drawings on your driveway, and finish up the evening watching your favorite childhood cartoons and eating sugar cereal in a blanket fort.
5. First-Date Do-Over. Live your first date over again: Try to get the details as close to the first time as possible, and talk about how you each felt & what you remember most. (If your first date was a catastrophe, do it over the way you wish it went!)
6. Home Sweet Hometown. Visit one of your home towns, and show your sweetie the spots that are most important-or most fun-from your past.
7. Play Teacher. Teach your date something new-something you’re an old pro at and passionate about-and enjoy reliving your own learning process. Anything from skateboarding to painting, kickball and beyond. Be patient and make it fun (and if it goes badly, just make up for it with some ice cream at the end. It worked when you were a kid, didn’t it?).
Mixed-Up Timing Dates
8. Picnic in the Rain. Add the fun of a picnic to a rainy day by packing a lunch and eating in the car. Watch the rain come down & enjoy some hot soup or cocoa. If you’re feeling adventurous, go puddle jumping after. : )
9. Pajamafied. Make an ordinary activity goofier and more fun by adding pajamas to the mix. Catch a matinee movie in your PJs, or check around for local hangouts that offer pajama discounts (some Color Me Mine locations offer a 50% deal for pajama-wearers!).
10. Good Day, Sunshine. Break with the traditional sunset-watching date! Get up early, pack breakfast (cereal and a thermos of milk will do if you’re not a chef), and watch the sun come up.
Coffee & Culture
11. Ifs, Ands, and Buts. Pick up a question book (I like “If…Questions for the Game of Life“) and grab a coffee or two. Snuggle into a comfy chair at the shop and quiz swap questions.
12. Amusing Museums. Many museums offer free admission on certain weekdays. Check the calendar of your local one and go peruse the dino bones or modern art.
13. Local Literates. Stop by an open mic night or other event at a café or bookstore (search through Barnes & Noble’s events here) and see what local culture has to offer. If you’re feeling brave, you might even jump in for a spontaneous poem or song yourself.
14. In the Park. Fair-weather cities often offer summer series of free (or very low cost) movie screenings or concerts in local parks. Take a picnic or some beach chairs and settle in for some relaxation and hand-holding.
15. L’Artiste. Spend some time with some wonderful art-for free. Browse through local art galleries, check out your campus’s art department offerings, or scour the local paper for upcoming art shows or festivals, like Santa Barbara’s annual chalk arts festival.
photo: couple by Andrew C.
June 16th, 2008
You probably don’t know that I got married when I was 21, just before starting my senior year of college (unless you’ve made it to my About page). That said, I have to admit that I had a lot of “ups and downs” dating during college—I made a lot of mistakes, went on some bad (and a few VERY bad) dates, and I spent my first two years of college single.
Now, I’m pretty sure most of you aren’t ready to get married, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to have a successful dating life. So here is my bare-all list of the biggest relationship mistakes I made, and why you should avoid them:
1. Don’t Date your Friends’ Ex. Seems like common sense, right? But it can be tempting! About six months after breaking up with my first boyfriend, I started dating my friend’s ex-boyfriend on the rebound. I asked her permission first, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt her and make her uncomfortable. Four years later I’m not on speaking terms with the guy, and I’ve had to rebuild bonds with my friend. Trust me, it really is a bad idea, just like everybody says it is.
2. Don’t Hope Someone in a Relationship Will Break it Off for You. When I was a freshman, a junior guy in my history class started flirting with me. He told me his girlfriend was studying abroad, and that they were “having problems.” The big clue here (which I missed)—he still had a girlfriend. If he was really unhappy, he would have broken up with her already—before he started asking me on study dates. We never went out, but I ended up just feeling stupid for even spending time studying with him.
3. Don’t Be Afraid to Do the Asking. I probably would have dated a lot more if I had been brave enough to ask a guy out. Unfortunately, after a bad date in high school, I promised myself that I would never ask a guy out again—I would just wait until someone asked me. (Ironically, the only guy I asked out after that high school date ended up becoming my husband. Haha).
4. Don’t Judge Yourself Against other People. This is really, really hard to do, but having strong self confidence is important if you want to date fun, interesting people–like attracts like. So if your roommate goes out on tons of dates and you don’t, remember that it doesn’t mean anything about you. And if (ahem) one of your dates brings you home after only an hour and a half, make the most of it—go out with your friends and enjoy the rest of the evening!
5. Don’t Give In on Your “Value Rules.” Everyone has a different set of “value rules” for the people they date. For example, I don’t drink, so I decided not to date anyone who did. Of course just before I met my now-husband, this very charming guy who drank almost every night asked me out—and I almost went. I actually said yes and then canceled at the last minute. It wasn’t so much because he drank that I didn’t want to date him, but because he didn’t understand and respect why I didn’t drink—his inability to understand my values would have made it difficult to have a good relationship with him.
Well, now you know all the things I try not to talk about when I mention dating in college. I’ve had a lot of good dating experiences, too, but I really learned the most from the bad ones. The real question is which big mistakes I’ve missed in this post—care to share your thoughts? I’ll add the best ones to a later post.
Did you like this post? Don’t forget to subscribe in a reader or for email updates to keep up with all my latest tips!
Photo: brunopp
December 20th, 2007
Next Posts
Loading ...
